Monday, December 27, 2010

An old year into a new year

On December 29th, I will have been off of heroin for a year.  It was a hard year, a fulfilling year, a horrible year and a wonderful year!  Ive spent the year working on my mind and spirit.  I still have alot of work to do in those areas yet Ive also come so far.  The one thing that snuck up on me was that I am now 200 pounds!  Recovery and certain medications definitely packed on some pounds but sadly what was really happening was that I was eating my feelings.  I substituted one addiction for another and thats all there is to it!  Life has become a vicious cycle of feeling like crap about how I look (and feel, its not comfortable being fat) and eating to soothe myself.  Food and shame have become my life.  Now as I hit my year mark in clean time, it is time to work on my body. I am scared because I realize that this will actually be harder than kicking heroin.  I have quick access to food and no one will know if Im "using" it.  I am terminally lazy, though my job is very physical.  I have alot of pain and medical issues because of my weight gain.  In 2 days, I start my new year of recovery, focusing on eating right and exercising with trepidation and excitement.